Hector, our phallic “heady” Oranda Goldfish who has been with us for the last 5 years, doesn’t have much life left in his little body.

He’s got quite a bad case of ascites which is a symptom of dropsy. He’s in the late stages of the disease, and thus terminal. I feel for him. I don’t know if fishes can feel pain, but I feel it for him.

We’re debating how to euthanise him. We had to euthanise Willy, the Beta that we had for two years back in the condo. I had gotten him for The Girl when she took refuge at my place to escape her parents. Parasites infected him and he started to suffer. No end of medicine helped.

The internet instructed us to freeze him. That was supposed to be a humane way to help him to pass. We put him in the freezer in his Ziploc bag of water for a week because we wanted to make sure he was really, really frozen. We remembered he was in the freezer after about 3 months. He ended up well frozen and in a much better place.

Now the internet says that freezing fish may not be the best way to euthanise them. I’m going to have to research a little more.

Hector deserves more than a live flush. Besides, he won’t fit.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I’m not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.